“I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.”- E. Bennett

I have an interview tomorrow.. and my pride is a little bit mortified.  I have never been interviewed for any job ever... I always just networked in, it was easier that way!  But now I have an interview and I am (slightly) freaking out.   A normal reaction I suppose.

Christmas was wonderful.  Like usual the night before we went to Grandma Pyne's for Christmas Eve.  We received very cute pajamas.  I woke up the next morning at 8 am.  My parents said it was a Christmas miracle, finally I woke up after 6!  This year I got new scriptures, a pink pig calender, Dr. Dre MIXR headphones (I know I am sooo spoiled), a new camera, a hand knitted afghan from my grandmother, as well as a gold necklace. So grateful to spend time with my family! 

Tonight we are continuing another tradition, going to Lion House Cafeteria up in SLC and walking around Temple Square.  It will be really cold but the food is always worth it.  Other than that life has been super great.  I count down the days until I have to wake up early (shudder, cough, grimace), amongst other count downs.  Sunday can't come quick enough.

Wish me luck on my interview....

"I have suspected it some time, but I am now convinced.”-E. Bennett 

Tonight I went to my Mother's Boss's work party.  It was a family party, well kinda, except for the drinks (there were lots ok?) but it was actually a good party (kinda). I was able to catch up with an old friend, it was good.

Something I finally realized,"I had suspected it for some time but now I am convinced."  The final quality of myself, a huge understatement of a part of my life, something I could have/never understood.   I figured it out.  Well kinda (hahaha).

I have always wanted an adventure.  I was always torn between the life I wanted to live and the life I was probably going to live/ the most women in my culture live.  I have wanted to give everything to my kids, but have a part of me.  I battled with how I would do this.  And I figured it out.  I don't have to sacrifice to live that way,  I just need to marry someone who wants that to.  Who wants to give everything to our kids by being the best us, by waiting... years maybe.  By traveling, by being dirt poor to go to school, by sacrificing sleep to be healthy.  I have never thought of it that way, I have always thought if I married within the culture I would suffer this, but it is not so.  Maybe it is a little sad that I am just figuring that out now, but its settled.  I want an adventure and I want to be me.  Whether that be with someone or not so be it.  I shouldn't be so hung up and displaced on everything.  Good ephiphany.

In other news my face is still bruised and swollen.  Maybe by some miracle I will look normal for pictures on Christmas.  Life has been seamless, still even.  Virtually peaceful (except for work).  So grateful to have family around Christmas.

“Nobody can tell what I suffer! But it is always so. Those who do not complain are never pitied." -Elizabeth Bennett

Well, my wisdom teeth are all out.  Unfortunately this quote is not sufficiently true, since everyone can tell what I am suffering due to my fat swollen cheek.  But overall it wasn't too terrible of an experience. 

Christmas is right around the corner! I am so excited to get out and experience it.  This year I think I finally am starting to grasp the true point of Christmas, and how much my family gives me.  This makes me think of all the people who are missing from my life, those who I do not constantly see, and makes me realize I need to make more of an effort to visit them or talk to them.

Other than that, my life is wonderfully quiet right now. I work only 14 hours this week, so I plan on driving to see other parts of the family with my time off.  I started writing my book.  It has been in my head for so long, I think it is about time that it came out on paper.  Maybe only in sections, but at least there is some head way being made.  I have yet to receive a new Church calling, but I am pretty positive it will be in FHE. 

Big plans for next week consist of going to Temple Square and the Lion House (YUM!), going to the Cabin... and oh ya... Christmas!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.-Elizabeth Bennett

I just got back from my wonderful friend Katie Palmer's wedding in Mesa.  I went with some wonderful friends and had a wonderful time (Ok, ok, I will lay off the word wonderful because it is SO wonderfully being overused).It was interesting doing something by myself with no supervision.  Yay, for being an adult.

In other news, school is over... and finals are done.  It is wonderful to have the time and the ability to decide for myself what I will be spending my time on.  I rented the Count of Monte Cristo from the Library, the extended version... I'm sure it will be done within the week. I didn't get to go to church to day and I was somewhat sad... Sundays are just so different without Church.

I am trying to figure out my work schedule for the next couple of weeks, I want to be with my family as much as possible! Going to college has made me realize how much I appreciate them and everything they do for me.  This puts the Christmas spirit so much more into my soul.  So glad to be home (even if my Momma is a teaser!). 

The school shootings were so tragic.  They break my heart.  What kind of world do we live in?  It makes me sad to think of the potential the world has to be evil, and the place the world could be when I have children. But then I check Pinterest (hahaha please laugh at this first world reference) and read about all the good out there.  People helping in the seams of the quilt of the world, many times unnoticed but greatly appreciated. I pray I can be one of those stitches in somebodies quilt.  I can't think of another way to bring so much joy into my life. 

“Mary wished to say something very sensible, but knew not how.” 

Well, pretty much the perfect description of finals.  Wishing to say/ come up with the right answer, but failing  to.  I have never been a good test taker, and finals probably won't be too great.  I have put some good time into studying, but I fear the results won't be the B grades I need. 

My life has been topsy-turvy the last couple of days.  So many opportunities and so much time.  How do I prove to the guy upstairs I want to do what he wants when he gives me so many different choices to make?  Hard to say.  I guess that is what prayer is for.

It snowed today.  I couldn't be happier!

  Since this is a part journal I might as well share my thoughts on something from the past or the present, so the future can more adequately grasp me when I was young (ah the thought of being old is so far away!)  So here it goes... memory #497:

My maternal Grandmother and Grandfather are some of my favorite people in the whole wide world.  I have so many positive happy memories of both of them.  Grandma making me tuna fish sandwiches while me and Ryan watched Dragon Ball Z on the edge of the carpet, quilting-endlessly, and running around town in the old car to get groceries.  My favorite memory was playing solitaire and Taipei with her for hours, teaching me all the techniques and tricks.  We would play for hours.   Grandpa is/was always a cusser and I always remember Mom saying to NEVER repeat what he said, but I can't recall too many memories without a word or two involved.... Whether it be watching the news with the volume as loud as it could go, or going to Neals to work on the bleepidy-bleap car, Grandpa was always entertaing. Both of them gave everything they had to us, and even though they weren't perfect they were major factors in making my childhood wonderful.  I love them so much, and I cherish this time with them.  I am so excited to be sealed to them, and I cannot believe how ungrateful I have been to them.  They have made me me and I couldn't be more appreciative for giving me an outlook on hard work, and love above all!  LOVE YOU GUYS!

“The distance is nothing when one has a motive.” Elizabeth Bennett

Finals are coming up this week... and I am luckily standing on the beach instead of drowning in the ocean!  Life is pretty good, I haven't blogged in a while because I don't have much else to talk about besides school, work, and maybe my cooking experiences (it's getting better, but its a slow progression, but the point is... its getting better).

Today I wore a good friends wedding ring for an hour or so. It was like heaven, except without the pain of a man.  Hahahaha! Just kidding.  I wonder what it is going to be like, you know-- getting hitched.  I have so many questions about everything, but one question is bigger than them all, "Is he living worthily?"

Such a good question.  I pray he is.  I wonder how I would live my life if I constantly thought about living worthy for my future spouse on a daily basis.... What decisions would I make?  Would I be more friendly?  I hope all these things for my future person, and even for my kids.  Most of all I want to be my best every day.

Lately I have had a lot of questions in my life. I know the Lord is there, but some days it is still hard to live and or function all the while taking steps in the dark.  But that's ok... because the Lord knows whats best for me!  I need to accept that and be the person I know I can be.  My motive is more, an eternal home, an especially exhalation.  "The distance is nothing when one has a motive."  So true. So true :)

I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them- Mr. Darcy

I guess its time to blog. Lately I haven't really felt like typing anything (scratch that, I typed... and then unpublished... yay common sense).  My life has been boring since I caught up on all of my homework, I even got 11 hours of sleep last night. Talk about success!  Or not.  I am meandering around my life, still trying to figure everything out.

One thing I know for sure.  I found my weakness that Satan loves to hit me on.  Self-doubt and negativity.  Which I was feeling a lot of today. I just don't know where my life is going.  I can't see through the grey to find the me I want. I know I want to serve the guy up stairs, I just don't know if I am capable.  Or strong enough.  I just need to keep working and maybe by some miracle I will find a way to make it.  Indeed I learned today that "I have faults enough."

In other news I made no money at work. Wah! I hope and pray this picks up soon. How will I ever pay for college?

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. -Elizabeth Bennett

 

Happy Thanksgiving!  I just love this quote... So true!  I feel like I am incredibly thankful but when it comes down to it I really am not practicing a heart of gratitude everyday like I should. The truth is that I am very grateful for everyone in my life.  My Heavenly Father has blessed me with the best people, those who make me stronger and urge me to be better.  They who inspire me to laugh more often and quite possible make really hard changes in my life.

If we are going to talk about blessings.... then I would never be able to stop writing.  I'll just hit the big ones:
-So grateful to go to BYU.  The atmosphere is just what I need and my testimony grows by the day.
-So happy to serve in a Presidency of sisters whose hearts are so full of love!  It encourages me to widen mine and be a better person.
-So excited to come home to roommates who make me laugh. Our house might not be the cleanest but it most definitely the warmest.
-So humble to have the chance at new exciting days.  I only have one person to thank, My Heavenly Father.

Where ever you are, with whom ever you are with, never forget the true meaning of family, life, and the world.  We are all here to try and be our best.  I am so grateful for that chance.  Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

You will only think I feel more than I ought to do, when I tell you all."- Mr Darcy

Life goes on. I woke up and went to class, then I had a nice date with my Writing 150 paper. After which a nap, to solve problems... and then an unexpected pick up shift from work.  Nothing exciting happened, apart from my favorite jeans ripping and me screaming in agony and horror.  RIP.

I feel better. I feel alive. I feel confused. I feel sad."I feel more than I ought to." At least I feel right? My employer told me a wonderful tidbit of advice: such emotions are life. I love this. To be living, breathing! To experience joy and sadness, for if one does not know sadness they can in nowise know joy.  Even when things get tough I hope I always remember it. I would rather be sad for 99 days to only be happy for 1. With the Gospel this is all made possible.

I am so thankful for my roommates and all of the people in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

Lots of love.

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”-Elizabeth Bennett

Ya. I want to cry. I want to cry and cry and maybe cry some more. I want to curl up in a little ball and find some tangible place in which my emotions don't pulse through me, a place where there is only me. No thoughts. No actions. Just me.

It's true I can't fix on anything. It is all just one jumbled mess in my head. I hurt. I want to drop all sense of logic and walk right out the door. Yes I am heartbroken. Yes I did break somebodies heart. I think. Its midnight here and tomorrow some where else, but all I can think about now is the ability of actions and the consequences attached to them and how I hurt so much NOW.

I told my parents.  They didn't really care. I mean, why should they? I said I was going on a mission, and distractions were never good for anyone. But apart from my roommates, I haven't let on to how completely sad and depressed I feel. Do people always feel this way after breakups?

Maybe I was silly.  A little girl caught in a big world,too foolish to understand actions and life. Maybe I am wearing heels and putting on makeup to be a someone I can't and don't know how to be. I feel so sad and I want answers in my life. I want to feel like I am making the right decision... but all I feel is hollow..

How can we go one day depending on someone else and the next day walking out of lives? I can't help feeling that I have contributed so much to the deal, yet so little when it actually mattered.

November 17 is the worst day of the year. Hands down. Maybe by some miracle I will dream of good things tonight and not the nightmares in my head. Maybe I will be able to even get it together in time for church.  I pray.

"I was caught in the middle before I even knew that I had begun." that is all I know right now.

I am the happiest creature in the world. Perhaps other people have said so before, but not one with such justice. I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.” Elizabeth Bennett

Today is such a great day... maybe because it is my Birthday! I am 19 today and its great. My boy gave me the most beautiful flowers and it made me so so happy! I am going to see the new Breaking Dawn tonight. It should be super awesome, maybe because it is the last one!

Last night I met the Relief Society General President, Sister Burton. She was so nice and informative. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven who blessed me with the opportunity to hear from her, she was truly inspirational! We even got a picture with her! It was wonderful... check it out!

If any young men come for Mary or Kitty, for heaven's sake, send them in. I'm quite at my leisure-Mr. Bennett

Life has been quite fine. "I'm quite at my leisure" really!  I am just pluggin along trying to figure life out, do I stay or do I go? Do I work or play in the snow? (Ok, not really I just loved that rhyme)!  I am so blessed to be in such a wonderful place and in such a wonderful position.  I am excited what the coming months hold.

On Thursday I turn 19, and I have since remembered all the years memories since my last birthday.  A lot has changed, and I could have never expected my life to turn out the way it has. I feel kinda like a bum for having so many people remember my Bday.... I mean I'm me, and I am so amazed at how many people love me when I feel so inadequate to how much they do. I pray to be a better woman. Maybe it will happen someday!

Anyways, just wanted to check in. Life is good, there is snow on the ground and Thanksgiving (and the break) are right around the corner.

“I dearly love a laugh... I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can.”- Elizabeth Bennet

Last night I went and saw the new James Bond movie SKYFALL. It wasn't my favorite but it was entertaining. I went with my roommate Julie and a guy friend-Jonathon to the midnight premier.  Except for being raped at the Popcorn stand over prices ($16 for two drinks and a popcorn?? what is this a revolution?), sitting in the wrong seats, and totally breaking my cup and subsequently throwing sprite over all my counterparts and leaving me sitting an incredibly damp chair and sticky floor.... it was good! haha :) I laughed almost all of it of... for "I dearly love a laugh."

Today we all woke up to snow.  It is coming down now as we speak.  It is the second snow of the season, but kinda in some ways the first snow because the actual first snow melted incredibly fast. I LOVE the snow. Its the best best best!

Since I am trying to make this my journal I thought I would share a super awesome memory I hold dear to my heart. When I was a sophomore in High School I was still trying to figure the whole friend scene out.  I had Marcie (Ahlstrom) and Bethany (Leishman) as buds, and we were starting to become friends with Ashley Carlson.  So one Saturday we invited all of our friends out (they guys included, scary!) to go sledding.  I remember it was so much and the start of some really awesome friendships.  Time has passed and I don't see everyone as much as I wish I did but I am truly grateful for the Love of good friends who got me through hs and set me on a positive track. I hope and pray that this can happen for me and my children in the future. Friends really do make all the difference!

“Angry people are not always wise.”- Jane Austen

So Romney lost.  And the world is lost.  JK!  I voted for the first time yesterday and Romney did not win.  It was sad. Depressing. But the truth is is that God is over all and he knows whats best for our nation.  Maybe our nation does have to burn some for God to bring his will to come to pass, maybe not.  Either way, even with the anger, Obama really is a good person.  He wants the best for our nation and he is doing that the best way possible.  Granted I don't think Obamacare in any way, shape, or form is a successful plight, he is still not trying to burn our country into the ground.

I pray that the decision the American people made yesterday does not hurt my children or their future.  The debt is 16 trillion.

"Angry people are not always wise." True. Now its time to build a better society!

 I have never been thus treated in my entire life.-Lady Catherine de Bourg

Today I learned a very wonderful lesson.  I won't lie, it was quite painful, and I didn't handle it the best.  You see, today, I got  a bad score on a writing paper that DID NOT have bad writing in it.  It was a good paper, maybe not an A paper, but not the horrific score it received.

I was  a little upset.
I have never been thus treated in my entire life.  
Ok. So I was furious.

I just feel like she gave me a bad grade simply because she doesn't like me, and she doesn't like that my writing isn't exactly like hers.  It makes me so grumpy that she has power over me to fail me and force me into her little box of writing. 

All I could think over and over was how unfair it was, to me and the rest of the class. I came home and ranted about it (even scaring puppy).  Once it was over, I felt silly, oh so silly.  That's when I realized my lesson.  Some things just aren't fair, and some things are just flat out wrong.  But in the long run it doesn't matter.  I need to learn to be calm and deal with it, such is life sometimes and being so upset and so hateful about it doesn't help anything. 

My Elder Brother paid the price for me and this teacher and I need to be more Christlike, for the less Christlike I am, the less pennies I will have to offer him.  As painful as the experience was, I am very grateful to learn something, especially something from my Savior.

“I am excessively diverted."-Elizabeth Bennett

Ya. Social life.  Woohoo!  I had heard that going to college would be a life lesson in balancing everything, and what do you know... it is.  I have been having the most wonderful time with my friends, and I have been getting 8 hours of sleep, but in all honesty I need to buckle down and focus more on school.  I guess I feel like I can say whatever, I mean I am an American Studies major, I'm not like my friends who have a REAL MAJOR. But in all reality I am just as important and I need to be better about balancing my life ie. to stop being "excessively diverted."

In other news, today is Halloween and I am going back to work at the Bakery because they are so busy.  I am excited because I really do love the Bakery!!! Even though I am not dressing up, I am still more involved in the holiday then I feel I ever have been before.

“Adieu to disappointment and spleen. What are men to rocks and mountains?”-Jane Austin

I am so grateful for my religion.  Even though I was in meetings for a lot of the day I felt so wonderful and happy to belong to the true church here on the earth.  Heavenly Father has provided so much for me and I am so incredibly blessed to have the Gospel in my life.  The people I work with are so wonderful and they make me happy.  I am so grateful to know that Jesus is the Christ, that God is my Father.  He loves me!  I want to serve him in any way possible.

In other news my week is pretty easy. I have some things to get done, but Halloween is gonna be really fun with my friends.  Even if I don't dress up! :)

“You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”-Elizabeth Bennett

So true!  I just want to take the minute to shout out to my childhood.  It was the most positive and wonderful experience of my life and the snow was beyond belief.... my little Heber all tucked in the middle of no where, the fantasy in my childhood.  I love the snow. With it comes all the memories of a happy and fun world. With it comes the memories of Aunt Karen and her white room, the memories of Grandma by the piano eating Tuna fish sandwiches, and getting all dressed up with mom and going and playing in the snow with that black scarf- the one that I lost a couple years ago.  Life was life and I vaguely remember freezing, but mostly all my memories are so happy.  I remember the year Gary came into my life.  I remember taking pictures (this was the time when we actually took pictures) in the freezing cold... I am so happy to have memories in the snow.

I am so grateful for my family for giving me memories that give me the utmost pleasure.  You have made me me.  Love you guys!

Charles. You cannot be serious.- Caroline Bingley

Why do I waste sooo much time?  Today I took a two hour nap, skipped my work out, and watched TV for an hour.  I don't have pressing homework, but I still have stuff I can do.  I get so frustrated with myself for wasting so much time.  In high school I always felt productive and like I was always managing my time the best way possible.  I feel so burned out that some days I just flop (like today).  I need to pray to be more productive and not such a lazy bum, I feel like maybe I could get into the communications program if I worked my butt off like Julie, but alas I don't. (Update: I'm switching my major to American Studies, humanities major. I know- no throwing popcorn.) 

Anyways, I am going to start praying to be more on top of things, that way my life can be a good balance and I won't fail out of school.  Maybe then I won't have Caroline in my head every time I do something the least bit productive, "Jessa... You can't be serious!" 

Oh yes, I can.  Goodbye TV, hello international development homework.

Yes. A thousand times yes. -Jane Bennett 

So life happens.  I kinda want to freak out, to shout, but I'm gonna keep it on the D.L. It's funny how you go from being super happy to super "say what?"I mean its great and I am experiencing new and awesome emotions and I want to yell, "Yes. A thousand times yes." I have waited and I am so excited and super nervous.  I just hope I can keep it all together and life will continue to be great, I also hope that this nervousness is not going to stay forever.  I really hate that everyone talks (I mean I have no clue how it got around) but you know what? Its ok. 


I just pray that this is all good and beneficial because I am positive that I AM GOING ON A MISSION.

Oh, my goodness. Everybody behave naturally-Mrs. Bennett

Well I suppose it is official. I'm going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints! I am so excited and a little nervous.  I am proud to serve and go on this awesome adventure!  The wait is on for the mission call, I mean, I won't be going until at least May which is so far yet so close.  Will I get a foreign call?  Will I speak a different language?  Hard to say.  I know that where ever I go I will be doing what My Father wants.  I chose the quote today because even though this is super exciting news, I still want to live my life without the all encompassing cloud of mission hanging over my life.  I want to still have a super awesome college experience- i.e. I'm not telling my R.M.'s that I'm going on one.  That way I can flirt indefinitely.  :) and I don't want every conversation from here to May to be about my mish... it's great but I have a super awesome life right now, and I most definitely don't want to overshadow that!!

So I guess essentially what I wanted to say to everyone, including myself, "Everybody behave naturally."  It's Life!

I can't help thinking that at some point someone is going to produce a piglet and we'll all have to chase it-Caroline Bingley

My life is so good, may I just say?  Maybe soon someone will produce a pig and we can run and chase it.... that would be ok too! I have the best friends.  Really! Tonight I went out with Julie to see the movie pitch perfect.  It was hilarious, there was a character in it... "Fat Amy" who just introduced herself as Fat Amy so the skinny girls wouldn't call her that behind her back.  It was so funny and I am so glad to have Julie as a friend and a roommate.  I have prayed and prayed for  a positive experience and Julie and Lydia are the perfect roommates, they make me laugh, smile, and always keep me on the right track.  We just rearranged our furniture and it couldn't be more perfect. 

I am so grateful for my family, my school, but most of all my church.  Life is good!

My life according to Pride and Prejudice:

I thought it was time to create me a blog.  I pray this can be a journal or something for posterity's sake, and record my thoughts on life, maybe not what happens every day, but at least some things I feel, some pictures I like, and some info its time to share.

I figure P+P was the optimal way to spread the love about my life, I mean Pride + Prejudice is pretty much a miracle of a book, created and written for my hopes, dreams, giggles, and every whim.  So why not base a blog on it? 

Anyways, like-comment-post.  Hopefully I can keep this up!