“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”-Elizabeth Bennett

Ya. I want to cry. I want to cry and cry and maybe cry some more. I want to curl up in a little ball and find some tangible place in which my emotions don't pulse through me, a place where there is only me. No thoughts. No actions. Just me.

It's true I can't fix on anything. It is all just one jumbled mess in my head. I hurt. I want to drop all sense of logic and walk right out the door. Yes I am heartbroken. Yes I did break somebodies heart. I think. Its midnight here and tomorrow some where else, but all I can think about now is the ability of actions and the consequences attached to them and how I hurt so much NOW.

I told my parents.  They didn't really care. I mean, why should they? I said I was going on a mission, and distractions were never good for anyone. But apart from my roommates, I haven't let on to how completely sad and depressed I feel. Do people always feel this way after breakups?

Maybe I was silly.  A little girl caught in a big world,too foolish to understand actions and life. Maybe I am wearing heels and putting on makeup to be a someone I can't and don't know how to be. I feel so sad and I want answers in my life. I want to feel like I am making the right decision... but all I feel is hollow..

How can we go one day depending on someone else and the next day walking out of lives? I can't help feeling that I have contributed so much to the deal, yet so little when it actually mattered.

November 17 is the worst day of the year. Hands down. Maybe by some miracle I will dream of good things tonight and not the nightmares in my head. Maybe I will be able to even get it together in time for church.  I pray.

"I was caught in the middle before I even knew that I had begun." that is all I know right now.