“I do not wish to avoid the walk. The distance is nothing when one has a motive.”

My motive right now is strictly California. California. California.  I can't wait to feel the sand on my feet and the sun in my hair.  I really want/need this vacation, and I am bound and determine to have a wonderful time!

My life has been wonderful as of late, although things are not necessary the fairytale- there are a lot of similarities which I couldn't be more please about!  I am currently failing out of economics, but I am not upset.  It happens.  I am just going to give it my all and hope that it works out.

While I was driving home from my parents on Sunday I couldn't help feeling like I was on top of the world, nothing could stop me!  It has been a long time since I have strictly felt that way and I was glad to have the feeling again as my companion.

In other news... I am still undecided on what classes I will be taking in the future.

My days are filled with some of the best people. I am so blessed.

“Upon the whole, therefore, she found, what has been sometimes found before, that an event to which she had looked forward with impatient desire, did not in taking place, bring all the satisfaction she had promised herself. "

So life continues on.  A lot of big changes are coming my way and I can't help but feel a large and unsuspecting gap starting to protrude from my expectations and what I would like to have happen.  I do not  know if this stems from complete confusion or complete indiscretion. There are ups and lows in everyone's life, but right now I feel a particular low. 

I have everything to be grateful for, God has definitely been merciful to me!  Yet I feel sad and hurt by specific instances, and this leaves me feeling worthless and alone.  This is why Sundays are so great... all these feelings are corrected and balled up to the fact the Savior has felt all of this before.  Today, I felt the spirit as I listened to my sweet cousin talk for her mission farewell.  I have noticed and decided that the confusion I feel, the craziness and the unsuspecting ideas are all made right when one is in touch with the spirit. 

In other news, I have two tests this week-Econ and Poli Sci.   I think I hate Econ.  I think I despise it more than anyone knows, but I know that it is in some ways making me a better person.  (Emphases on the SOME.)  Working two jobs really is as crazy as everyone says it is...but I desperately want to keep both to put more and more money in the bank; I do not know what the future holds, but I know the more money I have saved, the more secure I will be.

My goals for the year, while not being particularly enduring, have been gradually worked on and maybe even destroyed (i.e. workout).  I try to walk fast to school, but alas I don't think I should count that as a workout.  I am learning photoshop and taking more pictures of everything, this really helps just getting the exposure.  As for cooking it is a constant work in progress.  I am first trying to enjoy cooking, and believe it or not I am starting to enjoy parts of it!  I may not be making gourmet meals but at least I don't despise the whole process every time I go to cook something.  Maybe cooking for two helps this, I just feel bad that I have to subject the +1 to my terribleness. 

Life is life, I live it... trying to find small ways to love it and be Positive everyday. 

They were in fact very fine ladies; not deficient in good humour when they were pleased, nor in the power of making themselves agreeable when they chose it, but proud and conceited.

I sometimes wonder the perception people grasp from me. Are there some people out there who are certain of my disposition, such as Elizabeth was in this last quote? My first thought would be yes, for my parents know about me the most... or so I would first think. My second and third thought struck at "significant others" and "best friends." Significant others, especially in our culture tend to be quite close to each other. They claim to know the person they are sitting next to: how many ice cubes they like, the colors they despise, etc. etc. So does this equate to a complete knowledge of the other person?

I know I would personally like to see myself as hard working, diligent, and maybe sometimes humorous. I would like to think of myself as a vast complexity of knowledge and emotion, a mind based on beauty and light... but is this reflected in my disposition? And if it isn't, does that mean I am made up of more the things people perceive me to be or do they simply don't know me?

To some extent I think it is impossible to really know the person, your family, best friend, or significant other... I mean we have all heard the horror story of gruesome murder of the sweet newlywed wife by her husband or vice versa. Did these people really know each other? Maybe they thought they did... but obviously they were grasping at straws and missing the bigger point that their significant other was of violent disposition-really violent.

So if other people can never truly know us, does this mean we should make decision based on our own conscience and what we want ourselves to be? Or do they really know us and we should take their advice as liquid gold because they know the true me?

I think God must of created the idea as a combination of both, the sweet tension between the unknown and the known. Either way, it makes me wonder if my tension is imbalanced... and if it is what do I do to fix it.

These thoughts make my mind conjures up one song... Right Where It Belongs by Nine Inch Nails. So perfect for the concept, are you looking in at someone else, or is everyone looking out the glass of their own personal life?

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?