I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them- Mr. Darcy

I guess its time to blog. Lately I haven't really felt like typing anything (scratch that, I typed... and then unpublished... yay common sense).  My life has been boring since I caught up on all of my homework, I even got 11 hours of sleep last night. Talk about success!  Or not.  I am meandering around my life, still trying to figure everything out.

One thing I know for sure.  I found my weakness that Satan loves to hit me on.  Self-doubt and negativity.  Which I was feeling a lot of today. I just don't know where my life is going.  I can't see through the grey to find the me I want. I know I want to serve the guy up stairs, I just don't know if I am capable.  Or strong enough.  I just need to keep working and maybe by some miracle I will find a way to make it.  Indeed I learned today that "I have faults enough."

In other news I made no money at work. Wah! I hope and pray this picks up soon. How will I ever pay for college?

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. -Elizabeth Bennett

 

Happy Thanksgiving!  I just love this quote... So true!  I feel like I am incredibly thankful but when it comes down to it I really am not practicing a heart of gratitude everyday like I should. The truth is that I am very grateful for everyone in my life.  My Heavenly Father has blessed me with the best people, those who make me stronger and urge me to be better.  They who inspire me to laugh more often and quite possible make really hard changes in my life.

If we are going to talk about blessings.... then I would never be able to stop writing.  I'll just hit the big ones:
-So grateful to go to BYU.  The atmosphere is just what I need and my testimony grows by the day.
-So happy to serve in a Presidency of sisters whose hearts are so full of love!  It encourages me to widen mine and be a better person.
-So excited to come home to roommates who make me laugh. Our house might not be the cleanest but it most definitely the warmest.
-So humble to have the chance at new exciting days.  I only have one person to thank, My Heavenly Father.

Where ever you are, with whom ever you are with, never forget the true meaning of family, life, and the world.  We are all here to try and be our best.  I am so grateful for that chance.  Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

You will only think I feel more than I ought to do, when I tell you all."- Mr Darcy

Life goes on. I woke up and went to class, then I had a nice date with my Writing 150 paper. After which a nap, to solve problems... and then an unexpected pick up shift from work.  Nothing exciting happened, apart from my favorite jeans ripping and me screaming in agony and horror.  RIP.

I feel better. I feel alive. I feel confused. I feel sad."I feel more than I ought to." At least I feel right? My employer told me a wonderful tidbit of advice: such emotions are life. I love this. To be living, breathing! To experience joy and sadness, for if one does not know sadness they can in nowise know joy.  Even when things get tough I hope I always remember it. I would rather be sad for 99 days to only be happy for 1. With the Gospel this is all made possible.

I am so thankful for my roommates and all of the people in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

Lots of love.

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”-Elizabeth Bennett

Ya. I want to cry. I want to cry and cry and maybe cry some more. I want to curl up in a little ball and find some tangible place in which my emotions don't pulse through me, a place where there is only me. No thoughts. No actions. Just me.

It's true I can't fix on anything. It is all just one jumbled mess in my head. I hurt. I want to drop all sense of logic and walk right out the door. Yes I am heartbroken. Yes I did break somebodies heart. I think. Its midnight here and tomorrow some where else, but all I can think about now is the ability of actions and the consequences attached to them and how I hurt so much NOW.

I told my parents.  They didn't really care. I mean, why should they? I said I was going on a mission, and distractions were never good for anyone. But apart from my roommates, I haven't let on to how completely sad and depressed I feel. Do people always feel this way after breakups?

Maybe I was silly.  A little girl caught in a big world,too foolish to understand actions and life. Maybe I am wearing heels and putting on makeup to be a someone I can't and don't know how to be. I feel so sad and I want answers in my life. I want to feel like I am making the right decision... but all I feel is hollow..

How can we go one day depending on someone else and the next day walking out of lives? I can't help feeling that I have contributed so much to the deal, yet so little when it actually mattered.

November 17 is the worst day of the year. Hands down. Maybe by some miracle I will dream of good things tonight and not the nightmares in my head. Maybe I will be able to even get it together in time for church.  I pray.

"I was caught in the middle before I even knew that I had begun." that is all I know right now.

I am the happiest creature in the world. Perhaps other people have said so before, but not one with such justice. I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.” Elizabeth Bennett

Today is such a great day... maybe because it is my Birthday! I am 19 today and its great. My boy gave me the most beautiful flowers and it made me so so happy! I am going to see the new Breaking Dawn tonight. It should be super awesome, maybe because it is the last one!

Last night I met the Relief Society General President, Sister Burton. She was so nice and informative. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven who blessed me with the opportunity to hear from her, she was truly inspirational! We even got a picture with her! It was wonderful... check it out!

If any young men come for Mary or Kitty, for heaven's sake, send them in. I'm quite at my leisure-Mr. Bennett

Life has been quite fine. "I'm quite at my leisure" really!  I am just pluggin along trying to figure life out, do I stay or do I go? Do I work or play in the snow? (Ok, not really I just loved that rhyme)!  I am so blessed to be in such a wonderful place and in such a wonderful position.  I am excited what the coming months hold.

On Thursday I turn 19, and I have since remembered all the years memories since my last birthday.  A lot has changed, and I could have never expected my life to turn out the way it has. I feel kinda like a bum for having so many people remember my Bday.... I mean I'm me, and I am so amazed at how many people love me when I feel so inadequate to how much they do. I pray to be a better woman. Maybe it will happen someday!

Anyways, just wanted to check in. Life is good, there is snow on the ground and Thanksgiving (and the break) are right around the corner.

“I dearly love a laugh... I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can.”- Elizabeth Bennet

Last night I went and saw the new James Bond movie SKYFALL. It wasn't my favorite but it was entertaining. I went with my roommate Julie and a guy friend-Jonathon to the midnight premier.  Except for being raped at the Popcorn stand over prices ($16 for two drinks and a popcorn?? what is this a revolution?), sitting in the wrong seats, and totally breaking my cup and subsequently throwing sprite over all my counterparts and leaving me sitting an incredibly damp chair and sticky floor.... it was good! haha :) I laughed almost all of it of... for "I dearly love a laugh."

Today we all woke up to snow.  It is coming down now as we speak.  It is the second snow of the season, but kinda in some ways the first snow because the actual first snow melted incredibly fast. I LOVE the snow. Its the best best best!

Since I am trying to make this my journal I thought I would share a super awesome memory I hold dear to my heart. When I was a sophomore in High School I was still trying to figure the whole friend scene out.  I had Marcie (Ahlstrom) and Bethany (Leishman) as buds, and we were starting to become friends with Ashley Carlson.  So one Saturday we invited all of our friends out (they guys included, scary!) to go sledding.  I remember it was so much and the start of some really awesome friendships.  Time has passed and I don't see everyone as much as I wish I did but I am truly grateful for the Love of good friends who got me through hs and set me on a positive track. I hope and pray that this can happen for me and my children in the future. Friends really do make all the difference!

“Angry people are not always wise.”- Jane Austen

So Romney lost.  And the world is lost.  JK!  I voted for the first time yesterday and Romney did not win.  It was sad. Depressing. But the truth is is that God is over all and he knows whats best for our nation.  Maybe our nation does have to burn some for God to bring his will to come to pass, maybe not.  Either way, even with the anger, Obama really is a good person.  He wants the best for our nation and he is doing that the best way possible.  Granted I don't think Obamacare in any way, shape, or form is a successful plight, he is still not trying to burn our country into the ground.

I pray that the decision the American people made yesterday does not hurt my children or their future.  The debt is 16 trillion.

"Angry people are not always wise." True. Now its time to build a better society!

 I have never been thus treated in my entire life.-Lady Catherine de Bourg

Today I learned a very wonderful lesson.  I won't lie, it was quite painful, and I didn't handle it the best.  You see, today, I got  a bad score on a writing paper that DID NOT have bad writing in it.  It was a good paper, maybe not an A paper, but not the horrific score it received.

I was  a little upset.
I have never been thus treated in my entire life.  
Ok. So I was furious.

I just feel like she gave me a bad grade simply because she doesn't like me, and she doesn't like that my writing isn't exactly like hers.  It makes me so grumpy that she has power over me to fail me and force me into her little box of writing. 

All I could think over and over was how unfair it was, to me and the rest of the class. I came home and ranted about it (even scaring puppy).  Once it was over, I felt silly, oh so silly.  That's when I realized my lesson.  Some things just aren't fair, and some things are just flat out wrong.  But in the long run it doesn't matter.  I need to learn to be calm and deal with it, such is life sometimes and being so upset and so hateful about it doesn't help anything. 

My Elder Brother paid the price for me and this teacher and I need to be more Christlike, for the less Christlike I am, the less pennies I will have to offer him.  As painful as the experience was, I am very grateful to learn something, especially something from my Savior.